Fine Dining

I read this charming blog post about the 10 little pleasures of food http://www.dailyfork.com/2009/07/10_of_foods_simple_little_plea.php

It got me to thinking about the wonderful experiences I’d had dining out with my kids. So here are my 10 little pleasures of dining out with children.

1. Choosing the venue. It usually goes something like this. “Shall we try the new place? They’ve got a new Michelin starred chef from that there London?” “Pizza Hut”. “OK, what about the Thai restaurant?” “Don’t like spicy food” “Yes you do, you love that Tesco Chicken Tikka Massalla”…and so on. The compromise is usually an Italian where they can have Pizza and draw on the tables. And you can usually sell a Japanese restaurant when they know they can sit on the floor.
2. Choosing the dish. This again usually revolves around the battle between Pizza and the rest of the world’s cuisine. I have developed some useful strategies in this area. For example, Kenyan food has a great similarity to Sayers pasties. However, I think they’ve worked this out now. They persuaded me to get them the Wienerwurst with fluffy jersey royals and a red onion jus when I refused them sausage and mash.
3. Enjoying the ambience. There is much debate about the merits of background music in restaurant ambience. I, however, feel strangely uneasy if I find myself eating without the soundtrack to Grand Theft Auto on the PSP in the background.
4. Choosing one’s seat. Quite easy you would think? And a fairly permanent decision? Not at all. I’m not sitting next to him, Neither am I, He’s got to sit somewhere, He sticks his elbows out, well she eats with her mouth open…etc. Can I move next to Dad? Why? He always leaves his dessert. Our sojourns are more like a game of musical chairs.
5. The Mantra. No meal would be complete without the ritual call and collect “Eat your vegetables” (congregation) “ No I don’t like them” “Eat your vegetables” (congregation) “ No I don’t like them”
6. Accompaniments. Now you’ve got two very clear choices here. Good parent: “you will not put ketchup on your chateaubriand” followed by “I’m not bringing them out again, they’ve not touched their food” or. Bad parent “oh well, if it will make you eat it you can have ketchup on your Paella”
7. Conversation. Of course engaging conversation with your fellow diners is an inherent element of any dining experience. However, you might find you prefer silence to discussions on bleeding knee scabs, denials of romantic involvement with the local scally (daughter by the way, not wife), blow by blow accounts of playground fights, who has and who hasn’t got nits, how far mates can spit or urinate, etc.
8. Table games. Who hasn’t enjoyed fun games at dinner parties? Simple quizzes or even a murder mystery. The kids however favour pea catching, cutlery juggling, burping the alphabet or pyrotechnics with candles.
9. Fellow Diners. Research tells me it takes a number of years for British reserve about hushed conversation to establish. Until then I find my kids enjoy remarking loudly on fellow diners BMIs, hairstyles (or lack of), fashion sense, personal hygiene, eating styles (as if they can talk!) and appropriateness of companion choice.
10. And finally, the journey home. Just one piece of advice here. It is not a good idea to go to that little restaurant up the twisty mountain road with the kids. I will not go into detail here – I’ll leave that for the kids to describe when we’re next dining out.

New Facebook Application

I reckon I’ve come up with a great new Facebook app – What’s your mobile phonebook age?

I’m sure you could calculate someone’s real ‘lifestyle’ age by analysing the contents of their mobile phone address book. For example my 14 year old daughter’s includes:

6 people called Chelsea
4 girls with the same surname – BITCH
People with mis-spelt names like Kloe, Jayden and Kade
4 boys she swore she’d never met
People with names like ‘him with horrible mate’
My number tagged with a special ringtone


Mine however includes:

· 7 Andys
· 5 Petes
· The Bull
· My Urologist’s number
· Osteopath’s number
· 3 taxi firm numbers who never have taxis
· Dozens of peoples’ names I’ve can’t remember
· My wife’s number tagged with a special ringtone

Someone must be able to programme something and we’ll make millions – any takers?

Twittertastic

Joined that Twitter last week. Fantastic! Only been on it 11 days and I’ve got 39 followers. 39! It’s even better than Facebook (I’ve got 63 friends on that and I don’t even know that many people).

I must be honest, I’m not sure who they all are. There are 2 restaurants and even an apartment block following me. Then there are quite a few people from America who have some really good ideas about making money. I’ve also got a private detective following me, but that’s not on Twitter.

And I’m following some really interesting people. My favourite is Yoko Ono even though I never understand what she’s on about.

Some of the comments are a bit boring sometimes. A lot of people keep saying they’re too busy to Twitter – you wouldn’t phone someone to say you’re too busy to phone would you? And sometimes people send you a link to a site that has loads of links to other sites about Twitter and then they have too, so you can get dizzy.

But there’s loads of good stuff as well. I knew Tom had died before his missus because a bloke I know at the hospital Twittered it. You can even use it on the mobile. I kept the lads at the Bull up to date on how my prostate exam was going so they’d know if I was going to make kick-off at the match.

Going to see what this Second Life is all about.

The night of the living dead

I had a long look in the mirror the other day and saw Mick Jagger looking at me. So I decided it was about time to have a go at this Botox malarkey. I remembered that Google was my best friend, so had a search and found my local 'clinic'. Nice lady explained it all and said it was as easy as falling off a log (which is all well and good unless you really have fallen off a log at one of those tree-walk things, but that's another story).

Off I went, nice old building in leafy suburb. And that's were it all got weird. When I walked in there was a lady in a white coat wearing a Joan Rivers mask at the reception desk! She asked me to take a seat and help myself to the free coffee. Not long later another lady in a white coat invited me into an office - she was also wearing a Joan Rivers mask. I started to suspect someone had slipped something in my Muesli.

She asked me a few questions, took a few notes then took me into the treatment room, where there was... yes, you're there already aren't you... a lady in a white coat wearing a Joan Rivers mask.

So she asked me to lie on one of those doctors' surgery beds and peered closely at my face. As I stared at her face I suddenly realised it wasn't a mask at all! It was her real face, just kind of frozen and starey. It dawned on me that they were all their real faces. Who were they? Where did they come from? At that point I mentioned my prostate to the lady, made an excuse to use the Gents and legged it out of the door, into my car and away. Haven't slept since.

'The Heat' to reform!

Following a meeting in the Bull last night I can officially announce that The Heat are considering reforming. It was Harry's idea actually, after he heard about Spandau Ballet. I wasn't sure if you could call it a reform really when we only played once at the school dance in '69, but he pointed out that was more than Milli Vanilli so fair enough.

Of course it won't be the original line up because of Roger's gout, but he only got in anyway because he had a tambourine like that bloke in The Doors. Harry has still got all the Vox stuff, but we're having it checked out at the electric shop to be sure. Neil was a bit worried about my vocals still being OK, but I told him I'm singing along on Spotify nearly every day. Bit worried that I can't get into my loons though.

Anyway, rehearsal is next Tuesday in the upstairs room in the Bull after Elsie' s 50th do at 10.00pm. Watch this space!

Leaning Tower of Pisa?

I wonder why you never get Viagra and "Enlarge your penis" in the same email? Does one invalidate the other?

Seems only fair

Wrote to Ticketmasters today. I asked them if they'd consider a 25% discount if you could provide medical evidence of an enlarged prostate. Cost me a bloody fortune to see Madonna last year and only saw half of it.